Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
