Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
