I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize