nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
