Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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