Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
