and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
zippers are such a cool invention
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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