So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
