i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Your cock deserves a montage
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
