Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
