I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
