Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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