i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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