omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
