Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
