Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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