So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
