In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
