I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize