I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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