I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
