There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize