this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
