Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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