I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
