I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
