I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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