im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
