I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
