i just google imaged poop.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
