this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
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