You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So many bounce houses so little time
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
