new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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