I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
