She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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