I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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