Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
