One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
