Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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