she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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