Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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