I wish I could punch you in the face.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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