ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
