Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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