The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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