I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
