he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
