how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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