I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
