4 words: hood of his car
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
