Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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