you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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