Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
