can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
