You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
