1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You took a bar mat shot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
