Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
