i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
