sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
