i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
