I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
