We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
