apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
