Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
