Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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