Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
