We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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